On Being Humane

How do expressions like “No pain, no gain”, and “Practice makes perfect” make you feel?  I mean, without thinking, what is your gut reaction to them?  For me, they make me feel that I fall short of being human, because I never make any gain when feeling pain, and no matter how much I practice something, I never reach perfection.

Now consider the words, inhuman and humane.  Do we treat ourselves humanely, or act as if we are inhuman?  Often times the prescribed adages tell you to fight against being human as if being human is a failing.  These notions work against us when we are considering lifestyle changes.  I recently heard an interview about physical therapy where the patient said that his therapy felt good.  I remember thinking that about the therapy for my frozen shoulder.  It felt good, so I wanted to do it.  So much for “no pain, no gain”.  I can’t recall a single thing that caused me pain that I wanted to pursue.  The problem with adages like those above is that they set us up to fight against being human and therefore become stumbling blocks in our desire to do better.

I recently completely accepted the fact that I am gluten intolerant.  I have known it for years, but so loved bread, both making it and eating it, that I would go in cycles of not eating bread then binging on it.  Or I would eat it only occasionally.  I always had the same results: pain.  This past February I was in so much constant pain that I determined to not eat those foods that I suspected were causing me pain for a short while.  These include gluten, dairy, coconut, and peanuts.  I decided at the same time that I would cut back my consumption of all grains.  No more than two servings a day and most days I found I only needed one.  After one month, I felt so good that it was easy to continue this diet, and after all, I just eliminated some food.  I missed cheese somewhat, and found on occasion I couldn’t resist the temptation.  I would buy a very small quantity, just enough for one serving, and despite the odd looks from the other side of the counter, this took care of my cravings and I could then resume my diet regimen. 

By the end of the second month I realized I was losing weight.  This was not my intent, but it made me happy.  I wasn’t starving myself, I was pleasing my palate, and here I was losing weight!  Now five months into the diet, I have noticed another change.  I am not craving things anymore.  I don’t eat a lot of sugar, but always craved it.  I especially wanted cookies and was stretching my grocery budget buying gluten free varieties.  Since I had decided to eliminate grains instead of substituting for wheat, I stopped buying them.  Now I don’t miss them nor do I crave sugar.  Five months is not a long time, but when you feel you are missing something, it is.  I believe this is the reason so many diets fail and exercise regimens fall away.  It is because we are making ourselves unhappy by taking things away instead of looking for ways to make the changes enjoyable.

Our plans for change start by criticizing ourselves. We then use these thoughts to punish our failures by insisting on a strict diet or an overzealous exercise plan, and end up comforting ourselves with favorite foods while distracting our minds and bodies with TV or some other mindless entertainment.  If that is not enough, we call ourselves failures!  No one would say to an accident victim, get out of that bed and walk to surgery.  Yet we don’t think twice about being mean to ourselves if we can’t stick to a diet, especially one that is so different from the one we are used to.  If we started by being compassionate with ourselves, to forgive, or not blame ourselves for our condition, our approach to change would be radically different.

Here’s what I would suggest for making changes.  First, take some time to observe what you are doing now.  Notice if you get headaches, stomach aches, muscle soreness, a stuffy nose, or any other symptom that could be related to food intolerance.  Try to notice if you can make an association between what you ate and what you are feeling.  This can lead to finding particular foods to reduce or eliminate from your diet.  Or maybe you have already decided on what to change in your diet.  Use the thought, “I like to eat less _____”, not “I eat too much _______”. 

When you have an idea of what changes you’d like to make, choose one change and think about what you will need to do to accomplish it.  This may mean changes in shopping habits and meal preparation.  Sometimes changing the store where you shop can help.  The key is to think about what you are doing and start slowly.  Radical changes never last long.  If you don’t like cooking, don’t buy foods that need a lot of preparation.  Don’t tell yourself you can never have something or that you will save it for a treat.  There are certain foods I try to avoid buying.  If I find myself reaching for them out of habit, I stop myself and find an alternative that fits better into my new plan.  If you crave something, get a little bit of it.  You can buy one cookie at a grocery store bakery; you don’t need to buy a whole box.  If you need fewer calories in your diet, eat a small portion of a high calorie food you love and larger portions of low calorie food that you love.

The next step is to accept that you will not always meet your expectations.  If this happens, think about it in a compassionate way.  What happened?  What could you have done differently?  Maybe the temptation was too hard to resist.  Maybe it was habit.  You have just learned something about yourself.  Use this knowledge to help avoid these pitfalls and accept that every change requires renewing your commitment to it every day.  When you feel you have made your first change ‘stick’, add another change.

It is also important to stop believing you have complete control over what you eat.  It is hard work to fight biology that says more food means better survival combined with the amazing variety of high calorie foods so temptingly offered everywhere you go.  The changes you want to make can take years.  If you continue to see yourself failing, you will never make progress.  One day will be easy, the next not.  That is the way of it.  Above all, be as patient with yourself as you would want others to be to you.  It is inhuman to to expect perfection.  We ultimately need to be compassionate and humane with ourselves while recognizing the importance of respecting our bodies’ needs if we are to make any progress toward our goals.  The sacred meal shows us that eating foods we know we shouldn’t is no more compassionate then beating ourselves up about it afterward.  Feed your internal fire as if your life depends on it, because it does.